Today is the first day where I feel free enough to lean into some true self care for myself. The last few months have not felt safe enough to do so, because if I took care of myself in the deep ways that I needed then a lot of emotional ruckus would most likely explode out of me. I’d be left ripped apart with no support around me to collect all the scattered pieces of me. It felt too much to take on the feat of feeling all alone. I’ve lived a full life of isolated emotions and I know how dangerous sitting in that can be. I believe I was taking care of myself in less obvious ways in these last few months that helped me to get where I’m at today. Sure, it wasn’t face masks and workout regimens but it was steps in the right direction nonetheless. The work I was doing involved gaining clarity on how I can live in a sustainable manner that would keep me feeling full and level without constantly dipping into burnout territory. An analysis on my current position, and why I felt so fucking terrible, led me to make some major shifts. Ones I’ve touched on here and there in my previous writings; moving, leaning into secure attachment with C, addressing true friendships and letting go of one’s that aren’t serving me anymore, etc.
But today, I feel the changes in my life have built a platform of security and safety underneath my feet and I can finally lean into more obvious modalities of care. First thing on my list is to take a break from smoking weed. I know that this might become a topic of debate between people because I know weed consumption can be helpful for a lot of individuals out there struggling. Some might even consider this drug as a vital component of their self care, and I absolutely respect that. Something I’ve been learning about myself is the fact that weed is super helpful for me… when I want to suppress certain uncomfortable emotions. I didn’t start smoking weed until a couple of years ago. It was introduced to me in college with sweet friends and it became a sort of social treat that helped me let my guard down in social settings. I found weed to be super helpful for me, as someone that deals with a lot of hyperarousal. I noticed my relationship with weed started to shift when I dealt with a particularly traumatic event in 2020. At this time I decided to get my own “stoner starter kit” and order a bong and grinder of my very own. To deal with the intense PTSD that followed that fucked up experience, I began smoking every single day. It took the edge off of the flashbacks and the emotions that followed. I would say it truly kept me safe for awhile, but you can only numb for so long… Unfortunately weed isn’t a true remedy for deep pain, just a band aid fix. As time went on, the soothing effects weed gave me were no longer comforting me in the same ways. My inability to deal with this unresolved trauma, as more and more trauma added on to my plate, kept me seriously struggling. And all weed was doing for me was easing the transition into disassociation. It helped me to feel okay being disconnected from the present moment and from the people around me. This reality of disconnection can only feel self-serving for so long. A few years later I find myself tired of numbing myself and stifling my genuine emotional experience. Interacting with others in a sober mindset feels scary as hell and I feel the depth added to the walls I’ve built between me and the rest of the world. I know deep down that connection is an essential component for true healing and for God’s sake, I’m ready to feel better! So for now, weed has got to go. I’m finally safe enough to feel all of the things and release it all. My poor nervous system deserves a load off after all the hard work it’s done to keep me alive through all of the shit I’ve dealt with. It’s time to nurture my body and feeling uncomfortable emotions comes with that territory.
For those of you that have questioned your own relationship with marijuana, I encourage you to cast compassion on the bona fide intentions behind your use. It’s okay that we have needed help in this life and we have sought help through this form of medicine. Life is fucking hard and I know that we are all doing the best that we can. I also know that we deserve more and if you think weed is holding you back in any ways then maybe it’s time to set yourself up for a long awaited break. Now I’m not telling you to just cut cold turkey and everything will be hunky dory. No no no. Truly set yourself up in a way that’s going to allow you to feel safe and supported enough to shift from suppression to surrender. There are plenty of ways to properly set yourself up. Inquire on my motto to lead you in the right direction; follow the good feeling. What in your life will help you feel good to make that choice? Maybe you want to do this with a friend to keep yourself accountable and to go through the waves with another person that genuinely gets it. Maybe you need to make more time in your daily schedule for time spent in nature. Or, maybe getting a mental health professional on your self care team can offer you that necessary foundation of security to quit. There are many things that can be done to support this transition. Just remember to follow that good feeling, whatever that means to you. Also, try not to be so hard on yourself if you’re not ready for this change or don’t feel this change is even necessary for you. At least you’re becoming aware of what you want for yourself and what you need to do to get there. It’s a process my dear, one that doesn’t simply complete overnight. Take the time to connect with yourself and figure out what you truly need to let your authentic self flourish and thrive out there in the real world. Need help figuring out how you can do so? Messaging me is available for those in need of support. Please don’t hesitate to reach out!
Besides shifting my relationship with weed around, there are other things I’m working on incorporating into my routine to support my authentic self. This is where the face masks and workout regimens come into place, haha!
Starting my morning with movement is a very beneficial way for me to start my day mindfully. Right now I am not in a place where I can feel safe enough in my body to simply sit and meditate. Considering my mindset is comfortably geared towards dissociation, it is important that I work on embodiment before sitting with my spinning mind. Focusing on movement and controlling my body with specific exercises allows me to connect to myself and quiet the mind. I also feel that starting my day this way helps me to heal my relationship with myself as I am doing something kind for my body. I want to try and incorporate movements that support the flow of my menstrual cycle so that I am working with my body rather than against it. I’m trying to make this a lifestyle for myself after all. Whatever exercise I have planned for the morning I make sure to prime my mind and body with fresh air outside, whether that be with a run or a walk. I take my precious puppers, Scruff, along with me so I can make the adventure a little bit more enjoyable for myself. The neighborhood I live in is surrounded with a beautiful array of skyscraping trees. I love starting my day moving my booty in nature.
Another priority for myself right now is getting a nourishing night of rest. Let me tell y’all that I am one sleepy lady! The only problem is that my anxiety tends to keep me from resting at any point in the day. At night my body is riddled with anxiety and panic attacks keep me from closing my eyes and turning off for the day. Naps during the day are a no go too, because of anxiety. Love that for me. At least this was my experience before my move with C. I have found that co-regulation is extremely helpful for my nervous system to wind down and relax. Co-regulation describes the interaction between two people’s autonomic nervous systems (ANS). As social creatures we are deeply interconnected with one another and co-regulation supports this claim. As we sit in relation with another being that we deem as safe, our autonomic nervous systems begin to sync up with the other persons’ and slow the potentially amped up pace that it is going at to keep us alive. Our bodies get the message that we don’t have to fight, flight, freeze, or fawn for our lives anymore and we can shift into rest and digest, or the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). Whenever I would spend time with my friends after the sun had already gone down, I can’t emphasize enough to you how comical it was for me to truly fight to keep my eyes open. There was this time where I took a friend to go see my old roommate’s play and the ENTIRE time I was trying my damndest to stay awake. At a goddamn play at 7 o’clock in the evening! Every desperate attempt I could make to try and stay awake I tried, whether that was intense self pinching, stern self talks convincing myself that I just need to get though the next few hours, or my friend shaking me when they caught sight of my inevitable head tilt towards the sky as I let snores wander upward. I have been forced to go see the same movie at the movie theater multiple times because I couldn’t stay awake the previous times before. I have even fought the sandman during plenty of solo car rides, whether they were a quick 30 minute trip or a couple hour venture. C was teasing me about my sleepiness the other night as he refused to dim the lights during our movie or even let me cuddle up on him because he wanted me to actually stay awake long enough to finish the movie. He was making me laugh the hardest I have laughed in a long time, because trust me I know how ridiculous my sleepiness has gotten! The tears of true amusement eventually shifted into a deep emotional release stemming from a painful place. Deep down I knew that my bouts of sporadic sleeping spells were related to my overworked nervous system finally shutting down and forcing rest upon myself. So, even though I found the moments of slipping sleep to be hilarious, I also felt genuine grief and affliction for the fact that this is where I was at in my healing journey. Now that I live with C I am sleeping extensively! It’s incredible. On a typical night I am averaging about 10 hours of sleep, which might sound excessive but I have some catching up to do. The goal I am setting for myself is to begin my night time routine of yoga and reading by 9pm so that I can be actively trying to sleep by 10pm.
The last thing that I have prioritized for myself in my weekly schedule is seeing a therapist twice a week. I have needed some professional help for….my whole life, let’s be real here, and haven’t had the financial means to until very recently thanks to my lover’s support. The weight that has lifted from my shoulders from simply knowing that I no longer have to do the work on my own is incredible. There is only so much that we can do by ourselves when it comes to healing. When it comes to dealing with trauma it is vital that we seek out professional help to support the healing of the PTSD symptoms that are causing dysfunction in our day to day. Odds are we aren’t able to truly know the full spectrum of how certain experiences have influenced the way that we live because it is our very own mind and body that we are analyzing from. How can we see the full picture when we are experiencing the world from a first person point of view? It’s nearly impossible to see ourselves clearly without mirrors reflecting around us and even then there is distortion. We get a taste of who we are and what we are dealing with with the mirrors that are all around us, aka the people we are interacting with and find resonance with the experiences that they share. A mental health professional comes without bias and this allows them to see you as fully as is possible from that bird’s eye orientation. I know that professional help might seem so far out of reach for a lot of people considering there is a mental health crisis and therapists are booked and busy, or the financial demand of this treatment is unrealistic for those surviving paycheck to paycheck. I advise you to keep searching though. It took me about a year of searching to finally find someone that I can afford, aligned to the modalities of therapy relevant to my healing journey, and that I vibe very well with. My therapist is wanting to host our sessions near the Yuba river…I mean come on now! How much more perfect for me can this be? My therapist is currently a trainee and offers a sliding scale rate that matches what makes sense to me and my wallet. If you are struggling to find support, I encourage you to look into trainee programs, group therapy sessions, telehealth opportunities, etc. Please don’t give up on the hunt. Something aligned to you and your journey will pop up eventually and you will be so much better for it. Patience is a key component to the hunt.
Now I’m not expecting perfection from myself just yet, so I’m not trying to organize a strict schedule of self care activities for me to fill my days with. I want to be realistic with what I can do and be mindful about what I actually need. I’m sure over time I will gain clarity on what else will feel good for me to incorporate into my routines, but for now I’m proud of what I am doing for myself. Now, my sweet community, I ask you, what can you do for yourself this week that will help you to follow the good feeling?
With love,
KN
