Upon a journey filled with breaking self destructive habits and rewiring your brain, there are select moments that remind you why all the hard work is indeed worth it. This past weekend I was given the affirmative sign that I have been waiting for, telling me that all the uprooting I did was absolutely necessary to get me where I needed to be. Mind if I let my heart gush all over you for a bit?
I had been craving some soul time with my little tribe hardcore and knew I needed to reconnect with them as soon as possible. I could feel the same longings from these other precious members, which encouraged me to pick a date and go! No strict plans in mind, just their company a requirement for me. The week leading up to my visit I was feeling a lot of anger and uncomfortable emotions, which I mentioned in last week’s blog post. Typically during distressing moments I stubbornly decide to carry the burden myself, letting no one around me give their support to alleviate some of that weight. It’s as if my soul tribe members sensed this because one day after the other I received supportive voice messages, encouraging group chat conversations, and even check-in phone calls. I know that might seem typical for some, but when you deal with relational trauma and a life experience of isolation this is groundbreaking territory we are entering. The best part is, I wasn’t anxious about receiving this support! I even leaned into it, allowing trust to flood and comfort my nervous system. After each interaction during that preceding week, feelings of excitement, love, and extreme gratitude erupted out of me leading me to grin cheesily as I happy danced around my home, allowing hysterical squeals to slip out of my being here and there. C definitely thought I was crazy, but he couldn’t help but joyously laugh at my purity.
One of the phone calls I was on gifted me the invitation to set this weekend up exactly how I wanted. This soul sister told me, “Kaleigh, don’t worry about anything and everything. Decide what you want to do, spread the invitation to whoever you hope to see, and trust that things will fall exactly into place.” I felt the worry in my head and heart wash away as freedom took its place. The part of me that I always shamefully labeled as bossy came out to play, feeling empowered and confidently able to lead this weekend exactly where I dreamed it would go. Group chats were sent with my itinerary, along with an open invitation for all who found interest. I packed my things and headed straight towards my peeps! Expectations were nowhere to be found, only hopeful images floated around in my mind.
My first stop was at my soul sister T’s place. T is someone that takes up a lot of space in my heart and mind. She was the first soul member I had ever met, a few years back, and we instantly clicked. I remember someone from our mutuals told me that they heard T say that she knew we would be friends forever around the time when we first met and I instantly started crying with relief and was overjoyed at the reciprocation. This woman has been through thick and thin with me, teaching me that life does not have to be experienced alone. During the last few months of personal struggle I experienced, I even found myself isolating from her due to my own insecurities. The internal alarm that came from realizing I was fearfully avoiding this soul sister of mine filled me with shame and painful guilt. I was beginning to recognize a trauma cycle I thought I had worked past was keeping me distant from even my safest connections. I couldn’t help but think that I was the root of my wounds tied to loneliness and I would be stuck in this cycle for the rest of my life. Trust me, I know I’m dramatic…I know no other way of feeling other than as deep as can be felt.
T was one of the phone calls I received the approaching week. She was the one that gave me that invitation to be free as me. During that phone call, she also made sure to tell me that I inspired her with certain ways I maneuvered towards self prioritization during my time of transition and she was taking notes to use for her own experiences. That phone call intuitively freed me from doubts and worries that directly kept me distant from her during that dark and depressive time. She was teary. I was teary. What a couple of melty love puddles we are, huh? I feel so lucky to love her and be so truly loved by her.
Anywho, let’s get back on track here…
T opened her home to me this weekend, letting me sleep in her bed and take up all of her time. She even surprised me with my very own key and the encouragement to come and go as I please. She insisted that I know that her home is my home, too. I mean for goodness sakes, how great is she? As soon as I got there we seemed to effortlessly pick up right where we left off, as if no time had passed. The more time I spent in her energy the more I could feel certain parts of myself that had grown so inaccessible to me resurface. I finally was feeling more myself than I had in a very long time. Who knew how important this sister was for me to achieve that once again? My identity started becoming clearer and clearer to me as soon as I met T. I can’t be my true self without being connected to my soul tribe. They are an important part of me. They are my heart. Who am I without a full and flowing heart? A lost and lonely girl…the one I had grown up being.
Later that evening, T and I ended up at Chico State’s infamous The Vagina Monologues. A few friends were a part of the cast so I wanted to show my support. The Vagina Monologues is an episodic play written in 1996 by Eva Ensler. Chico State had been performing their own rendition of it over the years, but took a hiatus during the pandemic. This was the first year where The Vagina Monologues was making its return, and with an exciting addition to the story created by one of those friends I was cheering on. They had incorporated an interactive poem written by they themselves! It was my favorite part of the whole play, still giving me chills and heart flutters everytime I reflect on the memory.
Aside from the play itself, I noticed how overwhelming being in this social space was for me. There were a lot of people from the community I met last summer and just recently moved away from this winter showing their support for the art and cast members as well. All wonderful people that I value deeply but, my body had immediately kicked into autopilot, and dissociation, as my subconscious decided that I had a job to do. That job was to take care of everyone around me, excluding myself. My heart was jumping into my throat with every beat. My head instantly floating into space. I did not want to be perceived whatsoever, yet I wanted to love on and squeeze this room of people I was occupying space with. Total head scratcher, huh? The last therapy session I had brought upon the inquiry if I might be an introvert. This has been a fascinating inquisition to delve into considering I have gone my whole life assuming I was an extrovert because I love people. This question is still too fresh to dictate a set answer to just yet, but I can’t help but wonder if I have convinced myself of my extroversion when in reality I was masking as a form of self preservation.
All I truly wanted to do was slip away from the crowd unnoticed, but I knew better than to close off the opportunity to squeeze the peeps I appreciated, if even for just a brief moment. Thank goodness I had come with T. She acted as my anchor keeping me rooted to my reality, helping me to not completely float away from myself and my true needs. T politely strategized my escape as she led a bread crumb trail specifically for me back to the car. A quick hug here and there and I was out of that motherfucker quicker than I had ever been before. Thanks T for the support!
T drove me home (aw) where we would have a sweet sleepover just for us, as well as with Meg and L. L is T’s sister, another comfortable friend for me, and Meg is a newfound connection in my life. The best way I can describe Meg is by comparing them to a fairy that would live in an orchard of cherry blossom trees, reeking of watermelon bubble gum and marijuana. Leaving a trail of glitter and feminist advocacy everywhere they wander. Although I am just now building a connection with Meg, it feels like one of the easiest connections I have ever made. Meg is a safe person to bare your soul to, especially because they are so willing to meet you exactly where you meet them. Meg has been through their own fair share of soul-shaking experiences, leaving them with a deep sense of empathy for anyone else flung through life’s ringer. I have never really felt understood by other people, and that’s not to say people haven’t put effort into trying, which I so appreciate. But, Meg just gets it. They get what it means to have trauma taint the lens you see the world through, feeling a lack of security with the space you take up. I feel safe to be my truest tainted self in their presence. I was so grateful to how down with my itinerary Meg seemed to be. I could tell that they were craving the same thing I was, the space to rest in safe connection.
This cluster of beautiful beings helped me ground back to Earth with graceful ease after feeling so floaty in that larger social setting. We got food, took turns sharing whatever was weighing on our hearts, pulled oracle cards, watched a scary movie, and even brushed our teeth and washed our faces! Thanks T for reminding us to take care of ourselves. What a woman! I slept so well that night, due to my happy and fulfilled heart and the headroom to float back down to Earth.
I woke up the next day stirred and stimulated for the adventure planned for the day ahead! My soul peeps would gather with me tucking away somewhere beneath the trees and spending our time dancing in the spotlight in which we’ve spent our lives keeping an arm’s length distance away from us. I was desperately itching to play with my new(er) film camera that I have just started to shoot with for a short while. The last few rolls I’ve shot have been mostly candid and unstructured, strictly for practice. Even still I’ve been absolutely giddy from the results. Now that I’m getting more familiarized with the shooting process I wanted to bring some intentional images from my mind alive through a photoshoot with my beautiful muses. And that was exactly what our plan revolved around on this day, making my dreams come true.
Ugh, the feeling of receiving the scans of your film photos you’ve sporadically taken over a prolonged period of time can only be compared to the experience of witnessing the characters you’ve made up in your head coming to life right in front of your eyes. Your brain forms a version of these people that you’re witnessing day to day that is peculiar to your unique perspective. No two internal understandings of someone can be the same, because we all have different lenses we see the world through. It’s a surreal experience to see through these film images the perfect capture of your people, the way you see them, and now you get to show them, too! “Here, this is it! This is how I see You!” Words can only explain so much, so I love to give clarity towards my vision through other mediums, such as photography.
A modest crew of us quickly ransacked the local Goodwill and craft store, hoping to find pieces and props that would enhance the plan behind the photoshoot. We were on the sun’s timeline that day, knowing we only had so much time to get all of the imagined shots taken with the ideal lighting. We didn’t even have a specific location picked out yet, so we were definitely on a mission! T was a huge help with the needed hustle and bustle as I gave her the necessary components for the shoot location (water source, trees, and privacy) and she knew what general direction would land us there eventually. (PSA: make sure you have AT LEAST one virgo with you during creative endeavors/missions because they know how to get shit done!) We pretty quickly found a location with all the necessary pieces to make my imagination come to life and we instantly got to work.
Now I can’t deny to y’all that I was nervous as hell to be doing this. To be running the show and trying something pretty new to me. I had all sort of thoughts running through my head, such as:
“What if I waste everyone’s time because all of the shots come out like shit?!”
“Did I load the film canister in the camera correctly?”
“Am I being too bossy and sucking the fun out of this whole thing?”
“Oh God, I swear these pictures better come out good because I know everyone is excited and have committed so much time and effort into trusting me!”
I did my best to not let myself get carried away with the worry. A louder, more confident voice began to drown out the Negative Nancies giddy with gossip and reminded me that I am here to have fun. The people that showed up today are here to support me. No matter what comes from the physical pictures, we still created a beautiful memory all together; uniting to make a dream come true. Time and time again I heard peeps from the group burst with genuine heart shares of gratitude for me constructing the space for us to create, to feel confident within ourselves, and to be living in the damn moment! Everyone there seemingly shared the same dream I possessed, to be held and supported by our tribe as we take scary strides towards our personal creative, soul-expanding endeavors. They reassured me that they were happy to just be here and doing this with me, no matter if I loaded the film properly or not. Because I was helping them make their dreams come true just as much as they were helping me with mine.
Next thing I know, even MORE soul peeps joined the party! Everyone I had invited showed up, for me. Even though they weren’t necessarily in the photoshoot mood, these peeps came to hang out and support ME. By this point in the weekend my heart had turned to complete mush, simply sloshing around in my chest like the sugary watered down end of a slushy on a summer day. And the best part of it all? I didn’t feel like I had to take care of anyone but myself. Everybody merged effortlessly to my pace and took care of themselves. They even put in the effort to take care of me, taking the time to make sure I had my moment in the spotlight as well. There was a moment when I was caught apologizing, for the umpteenth time, for my bossiness and one of the friends that showed up later held me firmly between their grasp, looked me dead in the eyes with a stern yet warm look and enlightened me with the idea that I was not being bossy at all. I was merely directing the masses in order to make my vision come to life. This, coming from the person that created that phenomenal added piece to The Vagina Monologues, was the validation and encouragement I needed to hear to fully and confidently step into the leadership role I have desperately craved to be in.
2.5 rolls of film later and the shoot was complete! Trust me, I would have kept shooting but baby girl’s on a budget and film is expensive as hell. The collective of magical beings, powerful enough to make my heart turn to slush, packed up their things and off we trekked to enjoy the rest of the golden hour that the sun so graciously showered us with. I want you to imagine the misfit crew, The Lost Boys, in Disney’s Peter Pan marching to the tune “Follow The Leader,” because that’s exactly what we looked like marching through a wavy path back to the parking lot. A few sweet tender hugs to each of the beings that graced me with their presence this weekend marked the end of this magical weekend and I was headed back home.
The whole ride back to my loving little family back in the woods was spent listening to a specific playlist that perfectly matched the mood I was floating in from all the magic that found its way to me that day. When it comes to music I feel the music more than I hear the lyrics. At times I feel limited by words to share with another how I am feeling. Music, however, seems to always paint the perfect picture of what is going on inside my overactive heart space. Reflections of minute moments from the day, such as; glances of gratitude exchanged between my “models”, excitement bubbling out of certain participants and letting the residue linger all over their faces, the moments when I pressed the shutter of my camera and immediately groaned with satisfaction knowing that the shot would turn out absolutely magical, played over and over again in my mind as I did my best to be carried away with the true bliss I felt in that moment. The music adding the perfect soundtrack to the recollection.
The following Monday my therapist shared with me a resiliency building technique recognized by neuroscientist Rick Hanson Ph.D. This tool allows you to hardwire your brain towards positivity and away from our mind’s survival based negativity bias. Basically how the tool works is that when it comes to everyday seemingly minute moments, instead of allowing the moment to pass without a second thought, grant yourself the opportunity to sit with the memory for a while longer than you typically would. Allow the little pieces of the memory that sparked a pleasant emotion within you while the memory was being experienced to be reflected on and remembered. Let this positivity flood your system and be given the opportunity to be fully felt by you. The idea is you are creating a feeling out of the held memory. After all, trauma focused psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk did teach us that the body keeps the score. Once I shared with my therapist this glimpse into my car ride home, she claimed that I must have intuitively known to tap into this tool. I promise y’all that this tool works. Ever since that day I have been inflated with positivity. In order for the good experiences to seek into our negative leaning brains and impact our mindset, we have to give it the opportunity to seep deep within our hippocampus.
I wanted to share this weekend experience with you from my life not only to document the memory for me to reflect on in the future, but also to give all of you an inside look into what it is like to push yourself in ostensibly small ways that will get you out of your own way. Doing things that you don’t typically do, such as; lead a group hang, be selfish with who you spend your time with, or bring people into a creative hobby you are an amateur at, can feel like terrifying ginormous leaps into the unknown (a place where fear and worry tend to sink their teeth right into us). This can be especially true after a significant amount of time experiencing a depressive episode and feeling into a narrower resiliency zone. I had no idea how the weekend was going to go. Of course I had hopes but from my experience having hope only leads to disappointment so I tend to not let myself float away with the excitement, instead preparing myself to be let down. An idea that I have been sitting with lately is the fact that we are living our lives right now. With every fleeting second passed we have added to our archive of human experience. I spend so much of my time dreaming and wishing for what I don’t have and I’m tired of living in a lack mindset. I have the freedom to start making the life that I dream of happen right now, with small baby steps. By no means am I telling you to jump into the dream that scares you the most and that you might not be mentally prepared for. The last thing that I would want you to do is jump into the unknown and come out scarred from the experience. I simply want to encourage you to do little things that scare you, develop a positive experience from it, and boost your resiliency so that you can work your way towards bigger and brighter dreams. It all starts with one positive experience in the discomfort zone for you to realize that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I want you to comprehend the idea that you have every capability within yourself to create the life you have always imagined. The question is, how badly do you want it?
With love,
KN
