Ever since I was little I have attempted to improve myself in one way or another, seemingly obsessed with the idea of “better.” I’d make my own meals, separate from what my family was eating, with what I believed was healthy. I’d exercise frequently, even when I was sick, in order to stay consistent. Youtube videos teaching their audience on how to become better versions of themselves was the only consistent media I consumed, trying to learn what other strict regimen I could incorporate into my daily routines. Skin care was my religion. A ritual I dedicated myself to morning and night in hopes of seeing a clearer complexion the next day. The list goes on with the activities I did in order to be the best version of myself I could be, and the hunt for fresh ideas was ceaseless.
Little did I know back then that all of these desperate attempts to change and feel better were actually harmful and unproductive considering it was fueled by deep seated insecurities. For as long as I could remember I have been at war with myself, constantly wanting to tear myself down and build a whole brand new version. The way I spoke made me cringe, the way I looked sent me into a depression, my actions and behaviors were always overanalyzed and picked apart by me. Where did all of this come from? I looked around me and was confused as to why everyone else seemed to be so relaxed in their own skin. From an outside perspective, it looked like it was much easier to be them. I often daydreamed of walking in the shoes of the ones I adored, imagining what it would be like to experience a mind at ease.
I remember this one time when I was in elementary school, I couldn’t have been older than 8 years old, in which the family was spending another weekend at home. I decided that I needed to exercise, so I wrapped myself in layer upon layer of clothing, topping my funky fit with my mother’s fluffy rope and knee high socks. I then would run around the house in a continuous loop until I couldn’t stand it any longer. My younger sister even joined in on the “fun” and we ran and ran and ran. I didn’t want to stop until my stomach felt flatter and my body felt lighter. At the time, I labeled this behavior as healthy, mentally rewarding myself for my discipline and drive towards improvement. I reflect on this memory a lot and feel immense sadness for that young version of me. The reason I was so motivated to work out was because earlier that week was the first day of the new school year. After putting on my first day of school outfit I felt an immediate sense of shame fill my insides as I couldn’t shake the feeling that I looked grotesque and swollen in my new purple skinny jeans. That is the first memory I have of me feeling shame about the skin suit that belonged to me. I can still feel the insecurity that popped up that day radiating from my core and swirling around in my head, causing a deep headache.
I find it odd how sensitive to the energy of my experiences have always been for me. Of course at the time I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that my emotions and thoughts felt like they had a pulse of their own, and I could feel each beat course through me everytime this energy reacted and made a move. I didn’t learn what this truly was until about 2 years ago, thanks to my crew of energy workers at the holistic wellness center I worked at. It’s relieving to be able to understand yourself a bit better.
I’ve grown up with “self care” plaguing my mind. Not a minute passed where I wasn’t thinking of what I could do to be better, look better, or feel better. If I took the time to connect with my present reality and see where my progress actually sat, I was thrown into a deep spiral of shame and self hatred. So, of course I avoided my true self as much as I could. Part of my strict set of rules for myself was that there was no way I could look in mirrors or any sort of reflection, or even take a damn picture because I knew it would only make me feel worse off afterwards. I remember believing that it was such a gift for me to be as blind as I was because it made it easier for me to avoid looking at myself. An addition to my morning routine was that my contacts came on right before I had to head out the door so that I could limit any mistaken chance I had of accidently seeing myself clearly.
I am now 22 years old and still struggle with my perception of self. But, now I’m dealing with the consequences of little me’s actions as I come to learn how disordered this behavior was. Have y’all heard of neuroplasticity? The main idea of it is that our thoughts truly create our reality. The more you think something the stronger a neural pathway in your brain develops, making the opposite thought pathway shrink in size to make room. If you tell yourself that you are ugly over and over and over again, whether you began believing it or not, your brain will create a deep rooted belief and add this filter to your perception. The more your thoughts consist of degrading yourself, the more you will start to feel the truth of what the thoughts are saying. I have experienced at least 14 years of self deprecating thoughts. This lens is so deeply ingrained in so much of me; how I show up in connection with others, the way I discipline myself, the activities I choose to take part in and the ones I don’t, even with how I choose to dress myself!
Over the last 4 years I have begun to wake up to the truth behind my thoughts and behaviors, and let me tell you, awareness is only the first step in healing. Every day I seem to wake up to yet another realization surrounding what is influencing the way that I function in this world. It’s exhausting to be hit with the realization of flaw after flaw after flaw. It’s as if you go through the 5 stages of grief with these recognitions; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.You start off denying that this realization is even a part of your reality. Once you begin waking up to the ways that realization has impacted your life, that’s when anger comes in. You start feeling angry for the fact that you developed this habit as a way to protect yourself growing up and it’s now adding unnecessary stress to your life. There is also anger for the fact that you even had to develop this safety mechanism for yourself. After letting that phase run its course you can begin to negotiate with yourself. You might think, “Hey if I start to change this habit I can only imagine all of the ways my life would improve.” You might even set yourself up with a gameplan on how you’re going to change your habits and convince yourself you will be strict with following it. No reverting back! Or maybe you’ll lean the opposite way and convince yourself that you are making this issue bigger than it really is and it’s not all that important to change. Next comes depression. You need to feel into all of the sadness and pain that might naturally manifest for you. This pain can consist of the hurt that you couldn’t let yourself feel in the moment of the habit development because you were so focused on survival. It could be the sorrow you feel that young you had to develop that habit in the first place. A plethora of reasons can be driving your grief. Finally, we come to acceptance. Yipee! After feeling all that we needed to feel around the newfound realization, we now can understand the role that that now unhelpful habit played for our safety and security and we can begin to relieve it of its duties.
I often wonder at what point in life will I actually allow myself to relax, to be comfortable in the skin I wear despite the give it offers or the scars it possesses. Although now I know there is still insecurity driving my search for “better,” I can’t help but wonder if there really is a combination of typical “self care” routines that would truly make me feel better. I mean, I see it all over my social media, people coming forward to excitedly share that they have hit the gold mine! That they have finally figured out how to ease their personal internal battle. Each influencer ends their broadcast with the same defeating message, “Just because this is what worked for me doesn’t mean that it will necessarily work for you. Every body is different with different needs. You just have to find what works for you!” God, gag me. The whole god damn reason I am looking to you is so that you can tell me exactly what I need to do so I can finally fucking feel better! I’m looking to you for help for crying out loud, so please help me! (Yes, I tend to internally scream this at my phone screen. No trust me, I know it’s not productive).
Although my drive towards homeostasis continues, I have found a few tips and tricks that really do help:
- If you are feeling like complete garbage mentally, physically, and/or energetically, check your stress levels. It’s truly insane all the dysfunction that can come from elevated stress levels. Your primal brain kick starts at any sense of stress and convinces your body that we better give all or nothing in the name of survival. When we sit in this fight for our lives for an extended period of time, our bodies and minds begin to wither and weaken and this is when problems arise. Is there any way you can lighten your load and encourage even a little bit more ease into your life? This change can be as small as turning your phone off when you get off of work and taking the opportunity to be truly free with your time (social obligations/responsibilities don’t always need to be your priority), or it can be as big as quitting your job and moving counties! It truly is up to you and what you believe will be best for your overall health and wellness.
- Eat! For God’s sake, eat! Oh sweet one, I know how tough the supposedly instinctive habit truly is. We have to do it multiple times a day and there are apparently “right” foods and “wrong” foods to consume. Sometimes our body experiences pain when we eat or loses total control. It can be such a fucking hassle, if we apply too much logic into our meals. Nourishing your mind and body consistently gives your body the opportunity to face the world from a strong and stable foundation. If you aren’t eating enough or if your body doesn’t know when the next meal will come due to your inconsistency, then your body can compensate in ways that weigh us down throughout our day, such as through; physical symptoms of anxiety, brain fog and/or racing thoughts, headaches, bloat, inability to concentrate, irritability, mood swings, etc. What I’m learning to do, with the lack of expertise I have, is to eat consistently throughout the day (at least 3 meals a day, even if one meal is smaller/larger than the others), take the time to be distraction-free so you can be present with your food, throw shame out the window when you find your body giving you a negative reaction to the seemingly “wrong” food and celebrate the fact that you still attempted to fuel your body, etc. A lot of us didn’t get the opportunity to witness healthy relationship models with food so we are going into this venture completely blind, and there is A LOT of trial and error to face. Be proud of yourself for trying and also allow yourself to take a break from trying so hard to figure out the “right” way to eat. Humans get the gift of eating for pleasure, so let’s add a little bit of fun and relaxation to our meals. I’m told that that is sometimes the key to figuring it all out.
- Incorporate routine into your life. When we think about all of the things that we want to do in our lives and all that we want to feel, it can be overwhelming to figure out how to get there. All you may see in front of you is a lengthy list of to dos which can intimidate you from even getting started. Providing some sort of structure to my days has been very helpful for me as I work towards my personal and professional goals. Now I’m not telling you that each and every day needs a full itinerary planned out that you must adhere to. No way! That’s not realistic. Instead, let’s simplify. Ask yourself these questions; what are my priorities in my life? What isn’t a priority and can be removed from my schedule? What kind of life do I daydream about? At the end of my life what kind of person will I have hoped to spend my life being? Start here and be very real with yourself. Write your answers down. Then ask yourself, “How can I get started today?” I want you to start small at first. Maybe pick three things that you can change/add to your life to help you get there. I’ll give you an example that you can work off of. Let’s say a goal of yours is to stop letting your unstable mental health stop you from living your life the way you dream of. What would we need to do then to get there? Prioritize stabilizing our mental health. How can we do that? 1. Shift your brain towards gratitude: list three things about your day that you are grateful for and be as detailed as possible. Allow yourself to feel into the gratitude and wash your energy clean with this positive recollection. (The idea here is that you are training your brain to find gratitude in even the smallest parts of your day. Neuroplasticity baby!). 2. Go outside for at least 30 minutes a day. You don’t even have to do anything. You can literally lay on your porch wrapped up in a blanket! (The idea here is that you are connecting to the present moment, allowing nature to stimulate all of your senses and promote grounding and regulation, and incorporating the practice of consistency and discipline in a very achievable manner). 3. Block the friend/family member that doesn’t respect your boundaries and contributes to your feelings of low self worth. (Here you are practicing what it means to honor your boundaries and put your needs as a first priority and you are removing an unnecessary stressor from your life). If you need help figuring out what small changes you could make to your life to achieve your goals, please don’t hesitate to contact me via my email and/or the comment section.
- Admit when you need help. I know that you think that you have it all under control, or you have learned that you can only rely on yourself for problem solving, but there is nothing wrong with admitting that you could use an extra hand. Taking care of ourselves is a lifelong commitment so it’s okay if you need to share the responsibility with your community and/or licensed professionals. We ALL struggle with taking care of ourselves from time to time, we can blame the way that our human world functions for that! The responsibility becomes much easier when you learn from others the diverse ways that you can approach tackling the feat. We are all reading up on ways to “better” ourselves, but I promise you the real knowledge comes from experience. Everyone around you is trying and failing and learning something along the way. Open up the vulnerable parts of you to the ones that have proved to you that they are a safe source and listen to what they have found works for them. I also encourage you to seek out professional help. These people are paid to help you truly feel better. They study your case and spend time and resources getting to the root of what’s holding you back and will eventually supply you with a few solutions that can provide you with some relief and ease. It might just feel nice to know that the weight of your world isn’t falling solely on your shoulders and that you have a team that’s got your back.
- Disconnect to feel connected. Turn on airplane mode, hide your phone under your mattress, and give yourself the brain break from staying up to date with everyone else in the world. When you are so focused on staying in the know of everyone’s lives, or even with the state of this fucked up world, you can only give so much undivided attention to yourself. We need that focused energy a lot more than we think we do. When you give yourself the space to spend time in your own personal bubble there is so much opportunity towards growth. This is a chunk of your day/week/life that you get to spend however the hell you want, with no external opinions influencing your decisions on how you choose to spend it. What do you want to do? What does your body need you to do? Removing the external voices from your life for at least a little bit of your day allows you to get clearer on what voices you truly function from. Listening to your own voice and creating a world where you stand confidently behind what you naturally feel urged to do will not only fill you and your life up, but will impact the entire world for the better. Being led by your internal guiding system leads you straight into your soul purpose.
- Self soothe your way through the transition. It’s going to be so uncomfortable when you begin ripping your roots of conditioning to replant them on a totally new path. The parts of your brain that want to protect you and keep you alive will convince you that the discomfort you feel when leaning away from less than helpful coping habits and into holistic and sustainable habit building is a perceived threat towards your wellbeing. This can be especially true when you’re dealing with low resilience. I have found an insane amount of relief from prioritizing soothing myself during times of change. I’ll be dramatic with it, too! Oh, I’m feeling a panic attack come on? Let me turn the world (phone) off and sit criss-cross applesauce on the floor simply focusing on my breathing until I feel better. Oh, really uncomfortable emotions are coming up for me while I learn to feel my emotions rather than suppress them (smoking, eating, numbing, etc.)? Well then I’m just going to lay in bed all day and comfort myself with my personal pleasures (comfort movie/show, favorite book, journal to scribble the thoughts out onto, music to help you through whatever you are feeling or to even identify what you are feeling, etc.). The point is that you are trying to convince your body that change does not automatically mean you are dying and regulating your nervous system is the key to that internal development. Self soothing tools that will truly send messages to your mind and body telling your nervous system that it is okay to relax include; EFT tapping, breathe work, spending uninterrupted time listening to your body through yoga and meditation, self massage, hugging someone you love or laying under a weighted blanket, hanging out in nature…the list goes on. If you feel your body experiencing dysregulation, prioritize comforting yourself, maybe in the ways you wished someone would soothe you when growing up, and practice consistency with this commitment. It will help you heal your relationship with self, which also helps with healing!
- Get excited about your character development! I truly believe in main character syndrome being a helpful tool for healing. Life can be unbelievably hard and draining and we all need something to believe in to motivate us through the hard times. We have to believe that pushing through the discomfort and turmoil that life naturally offers will be worth it. I like to view my life theatrically and dramatically, as if I have an audience watching the way I maneuver through my day to day through a movie screen. When we watch movies aren’t we always cheering on the main character through the seemingly soul crushing times? When they are going through a breakup, experiencing a life altering event, or are close to giving up on their dreams due to the roadblocks they face? As audience members we know that what they are dealing with in that moment is essential for their character development that will lead them to their eventual happy ending. We may shout at the screen as a desperate attempt to advise our beloved character to make the “right” choice or reassure them that it all has incredible meaning. We do this even though in reality we know that the character will make the decisions that they make without our external voice’s influence and it will still lead them where they are supposed to be. Why can’t we keep this in mind for our own lives? It’s unrealistic to think that life won’t have its pitfalls so why not shift the narrative a bit and tell ourselves that this is the part of the movie where we learn something and use that bit of experience to grow into the people we are meant to become. I also have found that this lens of the world I use has allowed me to heal my relationship with myself. I can view myself with value and importance when I naturally struggle to do so because I’m the main character (of my own life) after all. I know that what I’m going through is all an intentional piece to my story and that as long as I choose to learn from my experience that it is leading me somewhere very important, my very own happy ending. I know life isn’t a fairytale and we don’t necessarily get happy endings because life goes on and on and the rollercoaster of emotions and experience continues, but we can have fun living in this fantasy can’t we?
These are just a few of the ways I have found sustainable relief for myself throughout my own healing journey. Of course these aren’t the only ways towards relief, but it’s at least a start! I want you to remember that it is very human of you to struggle. Buddhist belief tells us that humans are on earth stuck in this cycle of suffering and rebirth. We go into our life, karmically loaded with the lessons of our past lives, trying to obtain enlightenment. If you don’t learn your karmic lesson then, when you die, you will be reborn and forced to start all over. Except this time it will be in a different body and you will face a whole new life experience where suffering can be expected because that is life! We try our best each time around to take what we have learned and apply it to this new chance at life we are given.
How do you choose to absorb this information? Do you choose to let it defeat you, or do you choose to allow it to inflate you with the hope that we are in fact here for a valuable reason? I’ll let you choose, but, I will advise to keep neuroplasticity in mind (*insert satisfied wink and smirk here).
With love,
KN
