These last few months have been subtly transformational to the naked eye, yet deeply relieving for the experiencer. From the outside looking in you wouldn’t see a brand new person. You’d see the same one, just maybe less stoned. It feels like my world has been moving at a snail’s pace and maybe there’s nothing to show for my patience and resilience. Luckily for me, I have developed an ever growing support team that is telling me otherwise. I tend to have extremely high expectations of myself and when I don’t meet my own unreasonable demands I feel like a failure. I feel less than pond scum. It’s been immensely helpful to have someone committed to my journey with me, holding my hand along the way. They can offer me another perspective on the situation, one that is completely unbiased and truly based on expertise in the area of healing we are collaborating on.
Three areas of healing that have been a definite priority for me thus far are; trauma related therapy, gut healing, and energy work. Mind, body, and energetic body. Specifically these three growing scopes have been ones that I’ve desired help for for a very long time now, and I’m only now getting the opportunity to be truly supported while doing this damn soul work. The people I’ve aligned with in these specific practices feel like a match made in heaven. I feel like I was led directly to them, getting confirmations of this feeling with every synchronistic glimpse into compatibility that surfaces. I continue to feel frustrated with what feels like a lack of progress in these areas, but my team does a wonderful job of highlighting my growth and all that has changed within me in these few short months. It’s a bit of a mindfuck to finally understand the true difference in doing the work on your own versus with a team of professionals. I often still feel alone in the work, but at least this time around I am not burying myself under the weight of what surfaces from my subconscious. Do y’all know how mental it feels to unroot your conditioning and shift into a different perspective on survival? I feel crazy more often than not, but it feels like a productive crazy if you could even imagine that this kind of crazy exists.
I specifically want to touch on what I’ve been working on in therapy, because holy shit am I getting to know myself in ways that I would have never expected. This is frankly a reality breaking experience for me and I find myself stuck in a state of shock. I thought that I knew the general gist to my dysfunctions, yet I am getting a rude awakening to the depths of my conditioning. I’ve just now hit the mile marker of 25 completed sessions with my wonderful therapist. Can you believe it? I so appreciate the consistency of the work she and I have been doing together. Never in my life have I felt this held and seen before, even with full awareness of the darker parts of myself being aired out. Of course when we started our work together there were pressing matters that stemmed from the present moment that needed our attention. Once those areas of discussion were held in the light and processed, and a sense of safety and security was built in my home, we were able to shift into the deeper layers of me, aka the parts of myself I don’t dare address alone.
Side note about me: I am a highly sensitive human being. I feel everything always and all at once. Emotional energy is constantly coursing through me at lighting speed, yet I have a hard time feeling into these emotions, especially when I’m by myself. I can feel how much they want to come up and out, yet there is a block that holds the emotion stagnant in my chest and my throat, completely denying the idea of release or relief. I’ve never understood this, until yesterday’s session. I was sharing with my therapist, we will call her Dr. Kookoo, a stark opening in awareness I had in the last week around my problematic behavior in connection/attachment. There is a part of me, one that has been around since childhood, that tries desperately to keep me safe in relational interactions, yet has learned to do so in a dark and scary way.
It starts with an unidentifiable trigger coming from my partner. I feel an intense and unfavorable emotion spark and avidly try to advocate for its presence (something I learned in my youth was never an option due to the lack of safety that came with feeling). I do so in a way that is stubborn and loud, with a fixed mindset. So much so that I neglect to hear the experience being voiced directly from my partner. I’ve subconsciously decided that my emotions are trying to be dismissed with his efforts of communication which leads me to start the scary spiral inward. My partner does his best to walk away from the conversation as he discovers that the way we are conversing is anything but productive. That only feeds my spiral as I interpret this white flag as red with the rose tinted glasses I use for seeing myself and my inner wounded child comes out to fight. An internal battle comes alive within me and I feel like nothing more than a witness to the destruction. And what’s worse is that my partner is an external witness to the unwinding, so he’s even more unsure as to what he is seeing. This invites guilt and shame to the fight and only leads the spiral deeper.
Dr. Kookoo and I have finally identified this personal protector that casts his filthy shadow over me like a wet blanket in these specific times. We call him Shadow. Shadow feels like a dark presence hovering over me convincing me that invisibility should be my next attempt at survival. I must make myself as small as can be after feeling all of those big feelings oh so publicly. The punishment I receive from this overbearing protector feels like a twisted attempt at saving. Right now I don’t completely understand the thought process in the choices being presented by Shadow, but what I can recognize is the drive to self soothe. My fragmented mind uses its shattered perspective to choose my route to relief. I feel so so young as I find myself rocking back and forth calling out to an invisible savior that I surrender, that I would rather die than continue falling in defeat. I hit my head time and time again falsely assuming that this will stop the intrusion of the internal duel living in my head. When this doesn’t work in the ways that I was hoping it would, Shadow takes control of the show and reminds me of ways I can act on my surrender. He convinces me that this path is the only way to make up for the mess I’ve made. I feel like I’m running on autopilot as I grab the instrument used to conduct the sacrifice. Eventually relief comes. When I get just enough of a release to shift into my window of tolerance, I feel like I’ve just showed up to the fight and all that’s left is two knocked out competitors, a bloody fit on the floor, and an empty audience.
I know I’m supposed to respect my protectors, even with their faulty interventions, but I hate Shadow. I hate the control he has had over me. I hate the way that he has grown up with me. I hate that I am the only one that can see him. I hate that other people confuse me with him. I hate that I can’t tell other people about him without sounding like a paranoid looney. Right now, I hate this part of me. It helps to personify this shadowed side of me, though. To understand that this part of me can be booted off the healing team, eventually. It all starts with the awareness of the present trauma drivers. I can now see Shadow for who he is and separate our roles more clearly. In order to feel like his duty is done, I must shower the guy in reassurance and appreciation. Even being able to see him is a feat because now I can thank him for the safety he has provided for me when I’ve needed it growing up and explain to him that his efforts are no longer necessary or helpful. Shadow and I can begin to work together to soothe the wounded child deep within me and coax her healing transformation. I know that I still have a long way to go but, I can’t help but daydream about the person I will be after Shadow’s departure. All I know is that I’m excited to meet her and elated at the idea that she is out there patiently waiting for my arrival.
I am grateful for the opportunity I have had this year to truly get to know myself, and not in the cliche “let’s take a personality quiz” kind of way. I’ve grown up nothing more than a guarded shell of a human, picking up unconscious coping mechanisms here and there, letting these tools dictate how I will navigate the world from here on out. I didn’t have time for reflection or mindful choices. I was too focused on getting through the damn day. So, this is why I’m here now, sharing with all of you my spiral inward and taking the time to look in the mirror and ponder who exactly is looking back at me. This wellness journey I am on is not the sparkly day and night transformation that the media inaccurately tells you it should be. I am army crawling through sinking mud most days, questioning my reality every step of the way. It’s not fun I can tell you that much, but it does feel worth it. I don’t know what it is, so I will simply call it my intuition, that tells me that the work I am doing now is vital for my place in this world and for my future. Dr. Kookoo and I were hyping up future 30 year old me hardcore, a lighthearted attempt at celebrating the grueling work I continue to do. I can only imagine 30 year old me as an in tune powerhouse of a woman and all thanks to the personal learning I choose to do today. I encourage you to zoom out of the now and adapt big picture thinking while on your healing journeys. It will allow you to see productivity in even the stickiest of times and find value in the experience. Everything happens for a reason, yet we don’t know that to be true until we are safe enough to begin the reflection process. I promise you, if you continue the soul search, the older version of you will be lighter and shinier than you ever thought possible. It just takes patience and perseverance, my friend.
With love,
KN
