I just got finished with my first ever couples counseling session…with Shadow. Bet you didn’t know that was a thing! I mean I didn’t know it was a thing. Holy moly do I feel good. After the session completed, I wanted to get home as soon as I could so that I could accurately document what I got out of this approach to trauma informed therapy. Like I said before, I feel great. Truly I thought I would come out of this session feeling like absolute garbage and spend the rest of the week doing damage control. But, no! Instead I kind of feel like I’m floating? I feel a lot lighter than I can even remember ever feeling. Wow.
Let me paint you a picture for those of you intrigued by the actual clinical process. There are two separate seats set up for you to transition between so that you can truly personify the different parts of you that you are trying to access and converse with. You are giving the wounded part of you an opportunity to freely express themselves and let their true nature be understood for most likely the first time ever. Oftentimes we strictly hold negative perspectives over certain internal protectors we have because of the pain that they have caused in moments where they thought they were saving us. It’s nice to give these parts of you the floor, while having a trusted mental health professional present and holding space for you, so that we can begin to see all sides of this ingrained piece of us. To begin, you simply do your best to ground into the present moment while opening yourself up to the light you are intentionally casting on yourself, and let the words come intuitively. Free flow, if you will. Try your best not to overthink it. You can think of it like thinking out loud and working the internal problem out with a few witnesses that might be willing to work it out with you.
I have to admit, I felt really silly and embarrassed to actually get started with the conversation with Shadow. I mean, doesn’t the world encourage us not to talk to ourselves? Maybe we’re entering loony territory? What if this other part of me actually does start talking back to me?? I felt every ounce of me fill up with hesitancy and fear. I dreaded what might come out during this interaction, because typically the only interactions I have with Shadow are harmful and inflict deep trauma wounds. But, I have been beyond ready to shed this dark and heavy weight off of my energetic body for a very long time now and I felt like I was finally being presented with the opportunity to do just that. So, I sat up straight and faced the darkness head on, figuratively of course, and began the free flow. I didn’t come to the conversation prepared with what I wanted to ask Shadow, so I worked it out out loud and found a lot of productivity from this process.
Shadow, to me, has been a very physical presence for me my whole life. When I think of Shadow, I feel him deep in my heart space, throat space and solar plexus. I have habitually shoo-d his presence out of sight and out of mind simply because he is extremely uncomfortable for me to acknowledge. A lot of memories of all of the different ways Shadow has shown up for me in my life came to the light and I couldn’t help but recognize a pattern. Every memory Shadow has been present for is a memory that I consider the most damaging trauma I hold. It’s a memory that comes with a specific sort of pain. A wound that is still bleeding in my heart, throat and solar plexus. He holds and embodies all of my suppressed experiences and emotions. No wonder I cower in his unwelcome presence.
Diving deeper into that realization inspired the question, “Who’s voice is attached to you, Shadow?” Who’s message to me growing up, whether that be a family member or a friend, influenced Shadow’s arrival? This inquiry did not lead me where I thought it would. I wanted so desperately to reveal someone else’s name, but instead I could only recognize my own familiarity. Shadow has been with me since I was very little. He has been with me through all the “character building” moments in my life. He was even with me during the more casual times, too, like, when I would get ready for school. Shadow hovered over my shoulder making decisions on how I should present myself to not only the world, but to myself as well. Don’t look in the mirror with your glasses on. Suck in your stomach. Make sure whoever you’re talking to isn’t made to feel any ounce of negativity from what you provide in the interaction. Shadow confidently barked commands at me and I never once questioned the advice given. I accepted it as the “right” way to do things and didn’t think twice about it. Shadow’s voice mirrors my own and highlights the shadowed side of my personal drive towards success and perfection. I want to be the best version of myself because I love myself and want me to have everything I could ever want, yet I developed an unloving approach to seeking this personal success.
The most valuable piece of information I picked up on from this interaction with Shadow was the spotlight on my relationship to self. It has been much more damaging to hear and feel the wounds I inflict on myself than it ever has been to receive the same from others. In the memories I share with Shadow, I see that the interaction begins with an external source (a family member, friend, etc). Of course, the input provided by this source hurts, but it hasn’t left a scar. The scar winds up deep in my soul when Shadow comes out and disciplines me for acting out of the confines he has set for me. His influence has caused the most pain I have ever experienced and his impact leaves me wounded for years. Now I know, Shadow simply personifies me. I haven’t trusted myself to make my own decisions forever now, so I developed Shadow to pretty much make them for me.
For a while now I have been making various deposits in healing my relationship to self and building self security. I’m talking years and years of effort, people, and I just in the last few months have been seeing the impact from my work. As I have shared with y’all before, I have struggled with people pleasing growing up, meaning the opinion of others and their behavior towards me was extremely important information in my mind. I used this information to guide me towards safety. I’m happy to share with you all that it seems I have finally come to a point in my life where I don’t seek out safety in this way anymore. Instead, I find the strongest sense of security when I go inward. I know who I am and what I need to feel taken care of. I no longer make it anyone else’s responsibility to tend to me. It’s all on me, and I no longer feel intimidated by that truth. Empowerment has become my energetic experience since shifting. I feel strong. I feel confident. I feel capable. I feel like me again. Oh, how I’ve missed me…
The more I meet myself and express from this grounded and intentional perspective the more my external world rearranges to match my internal reality. Many new opportunities have presented themselves to me and I swear, it feels like I am living my dream. I am sharing my creative truth with the world and the world is celebrating me and encouraging me to keep going. So that’s what I’ll do, keep going. For as long as I feel that my truth is servicing the world.
Thanks for being part of the encouragement. We are in this together, my sweet soul friends.
With love,
KN
