I yearn to be understood in the same ways I understand you. I throw shoes up in the air hoping they will fall in front of someone courageous enough to try them on for just a mile. Feeling so far removed from the people around me that I question the validity of connection in my life. The levels of intimacy that I require leaves little room for distance. When I ask for connection, what I mean to ask is how willing will you be to merge with me completely in this moment. Let the rest of the world burn itself to the ground all around us as we stay lost in the one that you and I created. Paying too close attention to each other to notice the flames coming closer and closer, the fire innocently misunderstood for the thermal intensity that the friction of our tenderness sparks. For I am only one person here, trying to build enough momentum to shift the direction of our human world. Endlessly advocating for authentic and present energy exchanges. A collective pact claiming everyone around us as our own. Think of it like a team building exercise, I’ll shield you from the pain our existential reality evokes if you promise to keep me laughing, to keep my mind rooted in the now. A promise to stick together as we see our world begin to crumble at our feet. Sometimes I wonder if you, too, can see the bags under my eyes, or the way that my exhausted body flops into another as soon as a generous hand is extended for support. I am tired of feeling lonely in a roar of energy exchanges. I am tired of giving all that I am only to be met with expectations for me to give more. What more is there to give you? You already have my voice And my attention And all of my time. I give it all to you because I know that’s what you expect of me and I would hate to let you down. At this point I’m used to putting my needs below everyone else’s so I think I can stand another excuse to stretch even thinner. Dangerously walking the line of snapping right in two. Maybe that would make things easier for me? That way I could be in two places at once and everyone can be happy, or not. It seems like there is never enough, people always wanting more. I see you nodding along to my words as if to tell me you understand. I find that interesting because you and I are on opposite sides of this paradox. The difference lies in our intentions for connecting. You just want a place to put your baggage, desperate for someone to lighten your load. Can you tell that you’re not even looking at me while you speak? Eyes too busy scanning the room for your next self serving opportunity to hear the input that I provide. Did you hear me tell you that I love you? Do you even know what that means for me to say that? I mean, I know you heard me because isn’t that why you keep coming back? For more? A routine refresh in love and appreciation for all that you are, unconditional. Validation that you are in fact a good person, despite all of the mistakes that you’ve made, all of the people you’ve hurt and continue to hurt. Despite your ignorance to the marks you leave on others. I don’t know how much this connection is really serving either of us. I’m left empty and open and you leave satisfied, nearly bursting at the seams, entering the world vindicated in your approach in using people. My lack of boundary taught you that others are for the taking and that isn’t necessarily solely your fault. It gets to a point where I, too, must look in the mirror and inquire on my own intentions for connection. I desperately crave protection. I want to feel safe in this world and how I’ve learned to do so contributes to this universal disconnect. Let me give you exactly what you want so that I don’t have to deal with the repercussions of rejection. Invisible walls boxing me in, shaping me into your biggest dream come true, keeping my soul stifled and suffocated. The longer I keep these walls up the more my soul dies and I become just another numbed out zombie following the flow of this suffering world. But, I forgive you And I forgive me Because I know that we have centuries of conditioning wrapped around our ankles. Keeping us stagnant in suffering. For we are only just now collectively awakening to this reality… -KN
