Soul Researcher

I have felt called to share my internal experience outward for awhile now. Upon reflection that call has been one of the main growth edges that came up for me this past year. The call came and what came next was a grueling journey of self discovery. Growing up as a chronic people pleaser doesn’t require you to know yourself. You have learned that everything and everyone else becomes a priority above yourself. That is how you survive in this world. Survive, not thrive. You can get through life not knowing yourself but it’s as if you are simply sleepwalking through life. Subconscious strategy carries you through your days but you are not living. A constant dull ache radiating from your soul reminds you of that. 

So when this call for self expression came to me there were a myriad of layers of self to uncover before even thinking of sharing my findings with the rest of the world. Who the hell even is Kaleigh Nunn? Or Kale? Or whoever the fuck else I meet in the mirror along the way…I know that she craves bliss, experiencing every feeling fully felt. Her heart is a sponge intended to soak up the energies of her surroundings. Depending on how you perceive that you can decide whether that is a heavy burden to carry or a beautiful gift with incredibly purposeful intention. I also know that it is vital to ring out this sopping sponge of a heart once in a while…

through song, 

through dance, 

through writing, 

through touch,

through sharing,

through creating…

There are plenty of ways to relieve this so-called burden.

I also know that She* craves connection so deeply yet fears it just the same. Days are spent dreaming of the time in which soul tribe members can stand alongside me in what feels like a lonely journey, a lonely life, and we can lean on each other as encouragement and motivation to keep going. This past year gave me such a sweet taste of those dreams coming true. It started with the reintroduction to sweet soul connections this time in this lifetime. People I’ve been waiting for my whole life to meet finally revealed themselves to me and they gave me the validation to continue on as me, to keep digging deeper, to find out who I am, because they love what they see already unconditionally. The call gets louder the more voices come together to chant and cheer.

The wheels are spinning and forward motion has begun, yet plenty of internal blocks restrict me from fully embracing my ever-loving community. I am not used to community members reciprocating the effort and committing to being there for me too, in whatever expression that must take day to day. Tell me why this commitment feels invasive. Tell me why something I have yearned for my whole life makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide from the world. Maybe I want to be invisible because humans tend to find comfort with what is familiar, no matter how toxic that familiarity may be. I have found that this scramble to hide has only pushed me into the shadows, which seems to be exactly where I need to sit because that is where the self-work resides. Deep in my shadows I follow breadcrumbs leading me back to explanations telling me why I came to be this way. An interconnection of various experiences have formed the version of me that I am today. All I can do is my best to forgive the versions of myself that I needed to be for survival’s sake. 

On this blog I want to share the thoughts that come up for me as I continue on this personal journey of growth, expansion, reflection, and shedding. These thoughts are ones that I capture in writing on my own anyways so I figured I might as well share them just in case anyone at all seems to find comfort in relation with me. Another thing that I have learned this past year is that the suffering I sometimes find myself sitting in is not as unique an experience as I thought it was. There are many people out there that experience very similar emotional spirals as we do, yet we have no way of knowing about this collective experience until we decide to be brave enough to share it with others. We are all so intimidated by intimacy and vulnerability and understandably so considering we live in a society that encourages independence and separation. I promise you, sweet one, you are not alone. Maybe you can join me on my own personal path of self discovery where I confidently choose to lean into the fear and discomfort that comes with sharing our personal stories and we can grow together. How does that sound? I’m so looking forward to your company.

With love,

KN

*I will sometimes refer to myself in this third person manner with the intention of outward analysis because I find that I’m better at extrospection than introspection. I also still feel so far removed from my true self that it only feels right to express in this way from time to time.