I believe that my nervous system is trying to tell me something. It feels like I swallowed a hive of bees, which totally pissed them off by the way, and now they are swarming intensely underneath the layers of my skin. The constant alerting buzz is driving me crazy! Uncomfortable in my own skin and unable to focus on anything else but the internal racket, I have started to turn towards my personal array of ailing behaviors for some relief. Not that they are really working, but I can tell that my subconscious is scurrying for safety somewhere. I have carved scars into my face from both unknowing picking and adrenaline-fueled self-hatred. My relationship with self so skewed that I confuse my normal reflection with a fun house interpretation and I try chaotically to tear down the clown I see in the mirror. I can’t see myself clearly and my negatively warped state of mind causes me to hate what I see. Any innocent compliments sent my way by the people that I love and love me just the same go in one ear and out the other. There’s no weight to them in my mind because I know that people just say things sometimes and I’ve learned long ago not to trust the words of others.
This uncomfortable season of existence has even led me to find comfort through food, or maybe it’s simply punishment… As the anxiety builds and builds in my system my first thought is to ground by eating. “Oh I must be anxious because I’m thirsty or because I haven’t eaten enough today.” An obviously desperate scramble for an answer to it all. Maybe if I eat something the world will stop spinning and I will find myself safely planted in the present moment. It starts with the search for desperate relief but then I find that I can’t stop and my anxious appetite is searching for more and more amenity. When I’m done I feel even more uncomfortable than before and farther away from myself than ever. A shame spiral follows and I don’t want to see anyone at all for a while, at least until I can feel under control once again…
My mutilated face and my swollen body is enough to keep me hidden from the world. The perfectionist in me isn’t willing to show this imperfect version of myself to the rest. This doesn’t feel like me. How am I supposed to show up for others and pretend I know who I’m showing up as? How do I act as if my whole existence doesn’t irritate the shit out of me?
I can’t connect with others when I feel disconnected from myself.
My partner tells me that I am too hard on myself. When I self deprecate I tend to cross the line pretty harshly. I show myself absolutely no respect. I mean, I don’t even know what my own boundaries with myself are. I bash and I bash and I sulk in the self-pity. I know that I’m wounded and aching right now and that definitely is filtering my stream of thoughts, but I am not a broken human being. I tend to believe that when one piece of me is faltering then the whole ship must be coming down. My routine is compromised so my life must be run to shit! Damn, I’m really hard on myself. Probably something to work on in therapy.
This is the tone my mind has been attuned to for the last few weeks…months maybe? I don’t even know anymore. I’m exhausted and my resiliency is minuscule at this point.The last few days gruelingly dark and lonely, my nervous system starts to shift into hypoarousal. Crying, disassociating, and fearing the idea of being stuck this way forever, I decide to lean into what feels comfortable for me these days. Like truly comfortable, strictly plucked from the perspective of me. I find that I immediately think of Nevada City and my newly approaching home there. My little family in the perfect sweet home that has been made just for us. This genuine excitement is new for me to fully express. Fears and doubts typically robbing me from the experience. So it feels jarring to be shifted into safety around this next chapter in my life with C.
Having a hard day at work due to my emotional state, I zoom out of there as soon as my duties for the day are done. I hustle my booty into the car and over to C’s. My hopes are that comfort at home and cohabitation will relieve me of some of this painful weight. A nearly 2 hour trip is spent in the car blasting podcasts as high as will keep me out of my head. When I arrive I am met with sweet relief. A cleaned house, full attention on me, a bouquet of flowers hidden in the bedroom just for me. Here I’m able to go inward a bit and share with a witness where my internal world currently stands, and it finally feels safe enough to let my guards down and the floodgates open. My heart relieves some of the pressure and I am truly comforted by the love of my life. My partner is dedicating his time and resources to supporting me and where I’m at right now. He wants me to have everything I want and to catch my breath for God’s sake. And when I lean into it it feels honest and genuine. The way that my partner shows up for me is helping me to heal in many ways as I begin to feel truly safe and seen in a connection that I’m in. C has reassured me with every step of the way that his love for me is unconditional, and centered around the truest version of me now.
What a beautiful thing.
It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. Not for making the decision of being with C. No, I feel secure on that front. More for the fear fueled by the opinions of others. I mean, I know I’m restless and make unconventional decisions for my life that many people doubt will support my future, but my pace feels good to me. I feel right on track for the life I’m creating for myself, that feels aligned to me. This very well could fail or not go well and foresight would try to convince me that the decision I made was wrong. But I don’t see it that way. No matter what experience we face we can always take something away from it to support our growth. The two possible outcomes that come with our choices are either you find it worked out exactly as you were hoping, or it doesn’t and you can learn something about yourself along the way. Experience seasons you baby, don’t be fearful of it. My motto for making intentional decisions that can seem big and scary because they follow the flow of a different river than the rest is to follow the good feeling. Follow the good feeling. When you sit with the choices presented to you, what lights you up when you explore the daydream that lives in your head? Our bodies are very wise and communicate with us through emotion and sensation. Sit and listen to its guidance and who knows? You might start living a life that feels good, and isn’t that what we all want anyway? Return to the inner voice within you that has all the answers to your direction questions and you might find yourself exactly where you need to be.
At least that is the story my monkey brain seems to be the happiest with…for today anyway.
With love,
KN
One response to “Self Soothing Through The Navigation of Self-Interest”
I’ve been in the deprogramming process for 40 years. The laser burned societal engineering from early childhood is long lived, with consequentially lasting impact, in spite of our neuroplasticity. An answer for some, that might be consider fun, in my opinion of course, would be a positive lesson plan in beautiful surroundings on a micro dose of mushrooms! A trusted guide and safe, comfortable, pleasing surroundings are considered essential. This is not a recommendation or endorsement, just food for thought. There’s an excellent documentary on Netflix about it. Oregon took a brave step to decriminalize this natural healing substance. California Senate Bill 58 would decriminalize naturally occurring organics used by healers since the dawn of time. Things that grow in the wild should be respected and allowed their sovereign to thrive. They are a beneficial, medicinal food source, not criminals. The only criminals on the planed are humans, and by choice. It’s time to break the cycle. Everyone would benefit.